The Cost of Keeping Everyone Happy

Your past is your present. Being able to say “no” to someone or set boundaries can be difficult, and it’s not as easy as saying “no”. As a child, did you have a difficult time pleasing your caregivers (Mom, Dad, grandparents, etc.)? Did you come home one day with an 80 on your test and your mom said, “Good job, but get a 100 next time”?. That could be one of many different reasons why you might be struggling to say no nowadays. When we were kids, all we ever wanted to do was find someone who would be proud of us. Even as adults, we could be seeking for approval.

This is a prevalent issue that people deal with. You’re not alone!

First, let’s figure out why we seek approval as adults.

1. We are in need of a connection

   Everyone wants to be accepted in a group or even in a relationship. We as humans strive for connection. We crave belonging, affirmation, and social connection. Everyone wants to be liked, and our brain believes that if we are liked by others, then we would be accepted, and in order for us to get someone to like us then we would have to say YES. Approval often feels like proof that we’re accepted and safe. However, we can create a safe space without having to please someone.

   As a therapist, I do believe that as we start to please others, all it does is create a gap for the other person to subconsciously take advantage of that.

2. Childhood Conditioning

   As a child, you might have been conditioned to believe that approval = love. If others approve of me, then I am okay, and if they do not, then I am not. I do believe that people pleasing is a form of learned behavior. If you find yourself having a hard time setting boundaries around pleasing someone, then it might be the only thing your brain knows. Think of it as survival.

3. Low Self-Esteem or Insecurity

   When our internal self-worth feels shaky, we turn to external sources to validate ourselves. Approval becomes a mirror:

4. Fear of Rejection or Conflict

   This is the major issue we face as adults. Some of us will go through extreme lengths not to get rejected. As a therapist, I have noticed that patients would create scenarios to not getting rejected. Some would even leave before they had a chance to get rejected. The majority of us would create an easy route to avoid conflict and rejection by agreeing or accepting something even though we’re not comfortable with it.

5. Social Media & Cultural Pressures

   This is a new one. We follow trends, likes, and comments. For me to be liked, I have to be able to buy that purse even though I can’t afford it. Conforming is a real thing. For approval, I have to follow that trend. Culture often equates approval with success, beauty, or likability.

6. It Feels Good… Temporarily

   Approval triggers dopamine, the brain’s feel-good chemical. It's rewarding, which can make us chase it again and again, even when it goes against our own values or needs. At times, we lose our interests and desires by chasing this high. Pleasing others always feels good in the beginning until you realize the consequences it comes with.

So... What Can We Do About It?

1. Build self-awareness

   Notice when you're doing something just for approval. Having an internal dialogue is important. I teach my patients to take a deep breath before making decisions. You do not have to respond right away.

2. Validate yourself

   Ask yourself:

   Do I approve of this?

   Does it feel true to me?

   What are the consequences later? Can I afford to say yes?

3. Redefine self-worth

   Make it about values, not popularity. Does this go against my values? Write down 5 important things to you. My top value is TIME. In this case, I would ask myself, “How much time would this take?”

4. Challenge fears

   Not everyone has to like you for you to be worthy.

Final thoughts:

Saying “Yes” to someone is not always bad. But if you’re doing it for all the wrong reasons, then it can cost you a lot to keep someone happy. As a therapist, my observations of boundaries and pleasing others are that you can never keep someone happy for an extended period. Yes, you can buy your partner some flowers, and I am sure they will be grateful and happy, but rejecting yourself to keep someone happy is impossible.

Here is an example:

I have heard a lot of people express what they seek in relationships. “I want someone who is hard working, has a job, and is very driven with goals”.

Once they find someone like this, then their view might change: “all they do is work, they never have time for me, they’re always on their phone working, etc.”

Moral of the story, you’re not really pleasing someone as much as you think you are.

Therapist Orders:

Stick to your values before you commit to something.