Loving Someone with BPD: What Helps and What Hurts
Introduction
Did your partner tell you that they’re struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? Maybe they’ve said they think they might have it. Loving someone with BPD is deeply emotional and, at times, confusing. Most of the time, it feels like it’s either “left” or “right”… no in-between.
One moment, you feel incredibly close. The next, they might be pushing you away. Have you ever wondered if you’re making things worse? Or felt like you don’t know what to do anymore, but you love them so much?
You’re not alone. I’m writing this article to help guide your love so you’re not left feeling lost or powerless.
What Is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?
Unfortunately, there’s a lot of misinformation about BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health condition marked by nine core symptoms:
Intense emotional reactions
Deep fear of abandonment
Unstable self-image (something always feels missing)
Turbulent relationships (also called psychological splitting)
Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors
Self-harm or suicidal ideation
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Stress-related paranoia or dissociation
Identity confusion
⚠️ Important: This is not a tool to diagnose yourself or someone you love. Leave that to the professionals who are trained to assess and treat BPD.
The Truth About BPD
I believe people who struggle with BPD truly want to love, you deeply, but they often don’t know how to do it in a way that isn’t painful.
BPD is not “being dramatic.” It’s emotional pain that doesn’t know how to ask for help in healthy ways.
Some people are biologically predisposed to BPD. Others develop it over time due to childhood trauma, emotionally unstable environments, or difficult adult relationships. When I work with clients who present with BPD symptoms, I often ask about their parents, and more often than not, one of them shows similar emotional patterns.
Think of it this way: if you were raised in an unstable environment, your brain will respond poorly to situations that feel unpredictable or unsafe. That fear of instability stays with you.
What Helps When Loving Someone with BPD
1. Validation
People with BPD often feel unheard, unseen, and misunderstood.
You can say:
“I hear you.”
“That sounds really painful.”
“It makes sense you’d feel that way.”
🔑 Important: You’re not their therapist. Just listen. Don’t try to fix them. What they want most is to be heard.
2. Consistency
Instability triggers people with BPD. The more consistent and predictable you are, the safer they’ll feel.
Keep your promises
Follow through with boundaries (when you respect yourself, they may mirror your behavior)
Show commitment
Avoid hot-and-cold behavior
3. You Can’t Do It Alone
You can’t “fix” them, and you shouldn’t try. Encourage professional help. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is one of the most effective treatments for BPD.
Try saying:
“You deserve support. I’ll help you find someone when you’re ready.”
4. Take Care of Yourself, Too
When your partner spirals, your job is not to match their energy. Stay grounded.
Breathe.
Speak slowly.
Take space when needed.
Your emotional regulation can help de-escalate chaos.
5. Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
Not sure why this is #5 on my list, but it’s arguably the most important.
Loving someone doesn’t mean abandoning your needs. Boundaries protect both of you.
You can say:
“I love you, but I need a break right now.”
“I want to comfort you, but not when I’m being yelled at.”
What Hurts (Even If You Don’t Mean To)
1. Dismissing Their Pain
Never say:
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re just too sensitive.”
This triggers their abandonment fear and emotional pain even more.
2. Threatening to Leave in the Middle of a Fight
Avoid phrases like:
“I’m done.”
“I’m leaving you.”
Even if you don’t mean it, threats of leaving cause emotional chaos and reinforce their deepest fear, being abandoned.
3. Taking Everything Personally
Most of their emotional reactions have nothing to do with you. Their wounds often predate you. It still hurts, I know, but don’t internalize it.
4. Trying to “Fix” Them
A good partner listens. A bad partner gives unsolicited advice.
Let go of the need to rescue. Just be present and supportive.
5. Neglecting Yourself
If you put yourself last long enough, you’ll burn out, and resent them. If it feels like you're always walking on eggshells, it’s time to re-evaluate.
Therapist’s Orders:
Supporting someone with BPD can be emotionally draining. But with solid boundaries, emotional awareness, and the right tools, it can become more manageable.
⚠️ Remember: Boundaries aren’t rejection, they’re protection.
And if you want to take your support to the next level:
Learn their love language
Understand how they receive love, not just how you give it
Ask a professional how to support them without enabling their pain
You matter too. Don’t forget that.
