Connection Over Conversation: What People Truly Remember
We spend a lot of time trying to find the “right” thing to say every day. We try to create the perfect responses, rehearse difficult conversations, and sometimes overthink our communication so much that we forget what truly matters, it’s the feelings behind the conversation.
Since I began practicing psychotherapy, I’ve realized that people rarely remember the exact words that were said in certain moments. What they do remember is how they felt, safe, seen, validated, dismissed, unseen, and so on. I could go on and on about the range of emotions that can surface in human interaction.
Here’s an example that comes to mind as I write this: “I can’t believe you remember what my mother’s name is.” That person feels like you’re actually listening. They feel heard. I’ll share more examples later in this article.
The Illusion of “It Doesn’t Matter What Others Think”
We are often conditioned to believe it doesn’t matter what other people think of us. “Don’t worry about what he thinks,” or “Who cares if others are judging you?” While those phrases sound empowering, they can actually be dangerous because they create distance between us and authentic human connection.
It does matter how you make other people feel, and it does matter how others perceive you. Here’s why: think of it as a “gateway behavioral approach.”
If you start building emotional walls and convince yourself that your behaviors don’t affect others, it will impact you later. You may push people away and, in return, end up feeling isolated or alone.
It’s the same with emotions, a gateway behavioral approach. You make people feel better → you have more friends → you’re less likely to feel alone → you experience more joy.
The Emotional Imprint We Leave
Let’s start with ourselves. Many people struggle to open up because they assume others view them the same way they view themselves. We can be our own harshest critics, often due to past trauma. Our feelings shape our future behaviors, and that shows us how emotions can cause more harm than the words we tell ourselves.
Now, let’s talk about others. There’s a famous saying: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
And it’s true. When someone feels emotionally safe with you, they begin to open up. I talk about this often in relationships, there are reasons your partner isn’t opening up.
Sometimes, it’s due to past relationship trauma. But most of the time, people simply don’t open up because they don’t feel safe.
Here’s what that looks like: “I feel like I have to lie to my wife because if I tell her the truth, she’ll start yelling at me.”
Your behavior directly influences your partner’s feelings.
In therapy, I see this unfold all the time. A patient will reference something I said months ago but highlight only how I made them feel while they were sharing their story. One once told me, “You made me feel like I wasn’t broken.”
That’s the power of presence.
The Science Behind Emotional Memory
Let’s move from experience to science, because there’s actual neuroscience behind this.
Our brains are wired to prioritize emotional experiences over factual information. The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for processing emotion, plays a huge role in how memories are stored.
When we experience something emotionally charged, our brain tags that memory as significant. This explains why you can remember the tone of someone’s voice during an argument or the warmth of a hug during a difficult time, but not the exact words exchanged.
In therapy terms, emotional safety becomes the foundation for healing. Without it, even the best interventions or advice can fall flat. There’s a reason your therapist is trained not to give advice, because comfort over solutions is a real, evidence-based thing.
The Power of Presence
Being present is one of the most underrated forms of connection. This is something I can relate to on a personal level. Sometimes, I just want to share something without feeling like the person I’m talking to is just listening to shut me up. I’m sure you can relate to that at least once in your life.
Silence, in fact, can be one of the most healing tools in a session. Yes, it can feel awkward at times, but it gives space for emotions to surface. And more often than not, clients feel better after those quiet moments.
How Other People View Us
I tried to save this one for last, but I couldn’t wait to write about it, it truly matters how others view us.
You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Hurt people hurt people.” This concept can show up in many forms. In this context, if you feel negatively about yourself, you’re more likely to project those feelings onto others.
For example, if you don’t like your body or feel uncomfortable with your weight, that insecurity might cause you to avoid people you perceive as “more attractive.” The feelings you have about yourself influence the energy you give off.
When you make others feel good by being around you, that energy eventually reflects back, you feel better about yourself too. Try it!
Bringing It All Together
So, the main question is: how do we make people feel better?
Ask yourself:
Am I truly listening?
Am I being present?
Am I making this person feel seen and safe?
The soft nods, the “I get it,” the moments of empathy, they matter. People want to feel like they’re not talking to a brick wall.
It’s okay to tell someone that you’re not in the right mental space for a deep conversation. Focus on feelings rather than on what to say next.
The next time you find yourself overthinking a conversation, shift your focus to the feelings, because most of the time, we overthink conversations that the other person doesn’t even remember.
Remind yourself before going into a discussion that you’re not their therapist; you’re simply there to help them feel like they’re not alone.
Here’s a simple example: remember being in grade school and getting your exam grades back? The first thing you probably did was ask your classmates how they did. You weren’t necessarily worried about the material, you just didn’t want to feel alone in your experience.
Therapist’s Orders
It matters how we make others feel, because they’ll never forget.
Focus on feelings rather than words. Always.
Books I Wrote:
If you enjoyed my article, click on the name below for a few books I wrote that can help you!
