Loving Someone for Their Potential: Recognizing the Signs and Shifting Focus to Reality

We all want to fall in love, it’s human nature. We want to find that person with whom we will share our life’s adventures with. We spend years waiting for that potential soulmate to enter our lives, but what happens when we find our perfect person, and they don’t (or can’t) live up to our expectations of the person we built up in our minds? We begin to love them for their potential, for who we believe they are capable of being instead of who they actually are in the present moment. It’s not unhealthy to believe or see the best in someone we love. Part of being in a healthy relationship is seeing the potential in our partners and building them up to help them reach their personal greatness. It becomes unhealthy when we ignore signs in someone or have expectations out of line with who they are capable of being. In this article, we will explore what it looks like and the signs that you may love someone for their potential and not for who they truly are in their current reality.

Overlooking Red Flags

Red flags are one of those buzz words that we hear on social media all too often. We tend to label everything as a “red flag.” “My partner doesn’t like oatmeal. . . red flag!” While we sometimes overuse the term, it does not mean there aren’t true reg flags in people. True red flags are extreme incompatibilities or negative behaviors we ignore or worse yet, justify. One such red flag is believing our partner won’t exhibit the same behaviors towards us, as they do towards someone or something else because they love us.

Let's look at this example. You’re dating someone for a little over a year. You see them get angry at a certain situation involving the family pet. They are extremely rough in “disciplining” the pet. You go to console the pet thinking to yourself, “poor thing, I bet they would never do this to me.” Fast forward two years. A stressful situation occurs, your partner lashes out, and you take the brunt of their anger. Now you think, “They won’t do this when we’re married, they will love me too much to hurt me” except that they do. You try to see their potential as your relationship grows. You equate prolonged time of the relationship with an increase in the amount of love they have for you. You continue to justify their behavior because you only see the good in them, and the potential of who they can be instead of who they are currently. Instead of accepting they struggle with anger and emotional regulation, you think if you just love them more, you can change their behavior.

This brings me to our next sign.

Believing We Can Change Our Partner

When we start to love someone for the potential of who they could be instead of who they are, we believe we can change a person’s behavior to match that potential. Let’s say you are dating someone, everything is going well and progressing. You two start to see a future with each other and begin to have some serious conversations. The topic of children comes up. You express your desire to have children, they say to you they do not see themselves having kids. You think, “well. It’s still early in the relationship, this is our first conversation, they will change their mind.” While in reality some people know from the beginning, they do not want children, but we think if we can prove to that person how much love and devotion you have towards them and the possibility of a family together, you can change their mind. “If I show them how great of a mother/father I am, their love will deepen, and they will want children with me.” We think they have the potential to change their beliefs about wanting children if we just prove our love. Again, we are seeing someone for a false potential of who we want them to be, instead of who they currently are. As the saying goes, “A zebra cannot change their stripes.” This is a person’s fundamental nature. It will not change.

Focusing on the Future

Another common sign that you are loving someone for their potential is focusing on the future. Planning for the future is never a bad idea. Part of being in a healthy relationship is planning and growing together to create a future that both of you will enjoy. It becomes unhealthy when you begin to love the potential of someone when those plans do not align anymore. You begin a relationship with someone at a young age. Their priorities are finishing college, earning a degree, working their 9-5 job, and coming home to relax. They spend their time relaxing by playing video games. You enjoy it yourself for a while, but then you begin to dream of bigger things. Adventure, exploring the world, traveling. You think, “When we are older and more established, we will travel and create new memories and experiences together!” You have many conversations over the next few years about traveling and all the countries you want to see. However, it is always met with the same response, “That will be fun someday,” and “We will have to do that sometime.” You begin to live for the future, for that “someday” and “sometime,” but it never comes. You keep telling yourself, “Just be patient. The future and someday will come!” until you wake up many years later and you are still in the same place, doing the same thing, watching your potential future you planned pass you by. You start to feel that your dreams are not the dream of your partner, and the potential future you believed in so much was too high of an expectation for them to meet.

Signs You May Be in Love With Someone’s Potential

So, what are some signs that you may be in love with someone’s potential and not the person they truly are in this moment?

• Self-neglect: By loving someone’s potential and ideally the person you want them to be, you tend to neglect yourself and your needs. Whether that is your personal safety, your interests, or your desires. They are not being valued or reciprocated because you are in love with the potential of someone. Someone they might not be able to be.

• Stalled or stifled growth: You hold on so tight to the potential of someone because you love them or the idea of who they are, that it’s preventing you from growing and experiencing life. You continue to hold on to the hope and fantasy of “someday,” except you end up losing yourself and the future you want.

• Unrealistic expectations: It is okay to have expectations, even high expectations for your partner. However, it becomes unhealthy when the love you have for someone, and their potential is unattainable for that person. We want the people we love to be the best version of themselves possible, but sometimes we get so caught up in loving their potential, we fail to meet them where they are in the present. We all have our limitations and what we are capable of. That’s okay! We are only human. But, we have a tendency to project our love for our partner’s potential on to them. When we do that, and set our personal high expectations onto someone else, they can’t help but fall short. Then we are left with the vision of the person we had hoped for which is now disconnected from the reality of the person we currently have and that can lead to disappointment.

Therapist Orders

Shift Your Focus to the Present

Loving your partner means loving the person they are now. Shortcomings, faults, insecurities, and all. By focusing on their current actions, character, and behavior in the present, you eliminate all the what-ifs and possibilities they may not be able to live up to.

Evaluate Their Actions Over Their Words

By focusing on their actions and not their words, their actions will tell you exactly what they are capable of and who they are capable of being. Accept the current behaviors they exhibit and let those behaviors demonstrate who they are instead of your hopes for who they could be or the projections you place on them.

Accept the “Who” Versus the “What Could Be”

Recognizing and accepting who your partner is currently versus the person they could be, helps you to understand if you are in love with your partner, or the potential of who you want them to be. If you find yourself content and accepting of your partner in their current abilities, the relationship can flourish. However, if you find yourself thinking about that “someday” and hoping they will change, then this may not be the right relationship. And that is okay! Not all relationships are going to be your forever one.

Finally, Let Go If Necessary

If your current relationship is causing prolonged stress and grief, then it may be time to accept that this partner is not the right one for you. People grow and evolve throughout their lives. It’s common for two people to grow at different rates. It does not mean that either partner has failed; it just means this person isn’t the right one for you, regardless of the potential you want to see in them. Knowing when to accept a relationship is not the best fit for you and moving on is yes, one of the hardest things you can do, but it is also one of the healthiest things for you.

Thank you, Ann.