A Man’s Guide to Opening Up
As a therapist, I often hear men say things like, “I don’t know what I’m feeling, it’s not coming up,” or “I don’t want to burden anyone.”
As a society, we are taught to believe that being strong means being silent. “Just throw some dirt on it.” “You’re a man.” “Don’t cry.” The list goes on, and these messages start early in life. We rarely see men cry, and when we do, it’s often surprising.
Because of these beliefs, emotional expression becomes difficult, even frightening, in adulthood. But here’s the truth: opening up is not a weakness. It’s a sign of self-trust and emotional growth. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you give your partner the opportunity to truly know and understand you.
Why You’re Struggling to Open Up
For generations, men have been conditioned to equate emotions with weakness. There’s often a fear of judgment, rejection, or being seen as “less than” for expressing feelings.
Think back: were you ever shut down when you tried to tell a parent how you were feeling? Maybe you shared that you had anxiety, and they said, “It’s just a phase.” That’s emotional suppression, and over time, it teaches you to stay quiet.
But staying silent comes with consequences. It creates distance in relationships, increases stress, and can even impact your physical health.
When one partner shuts down, the other often withdraws too. You might think you’re protecting yourself, but in reality, you’re disconnecting from the people who love you most.
Imagine this: you’re a mechanic, and a customer brings in a car without explaining what’s wrong. You’ll need extra time to figure it out, and it can be frustrating. That mechanic is your partner, trying to understand you without the information they need.
Shifting Your Mindset
The first step is acknowledging that opening up is hard for you. The next step is changing how you view vulnerability. It’s not about oversharing or losing control, it’s about being authentic.
You are your true self when you’re honest with others. Your partner doesn’t expect perfect words; what matters most is honesty and effort. It’s time to challenge the old mindset and think differently about emotional strength.
Gender vs. Feelings
When women feel emotional, they often cry. When men feel emotional, they tend to shut down, or express anger instead. But here’s the thing: it’s healthier to cry.
Crying releases tension, helps regulate emotions, and fosters connection. It’s not weakness, it’s healing.
Let’s Go Over What to Do
1. Start Small
Remember, it’s a process. Begin by sharing something small:
Did you have a stressful day at work?
Did a coworker upset you?
Did something make you feel proud or happy?
Even sharing positive emotions helps build comfort and trust.
2. Use “I Feel” Statements
Here’s a secret I share with my clients: always lead with your emotions first.
Try saying, “I feel overwhelmed because my coworker didn’t show up and I had to do most of the heavy lifting.”
This approach helps express emotions clearly, without sounding defensive.
3. Comfort or Solutions
This one’s my favorite. Tell your partner what you need. Do you want comfort, or do you want solutions?
Some people are quick to give advice, but sometimes, you just need someone to listen. Be clear about what kind of support you need in the moment.
4. Are You Actually Listening?
If you’re planning your response before your partner finishes talking, you’re not really listening. If you’re distracted by your phone or your own thoughts, you’re not listening.
It’s okay to say, “I’m not in a good headspace right now. Can we talk about this later?” That’s emotional awareness, not avoidance.
The more you listen to your partner’s emotions, the easier it becomes to share your own.
Building Trust in the Process
Intimacy grows through honesty, not by hiding what hurts you. Having your partner guess your feelings will cause more strain than just telling the truth.
You have more to lose by holding back than by being open. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect. Consistency is more important than saying everything “right.”
Therapist’s Orders
Opening up takes time, and it rarely happens all at once. In therapy, most people begin to open up after a few sessions, and that’s completely okay.
Strength isn’t measured by how well you stay silent. It’s measured by how bravely you allow yourself to connect.
