Why Saying “No” Might Be the Healthiest Thing You Ever Do
I like working backwards with my patients when it comes to anxiety. I’ve written before about automatic negative thoughts (click on the word “negative thoughts” to read that free article), and it truly is a game-changer when it comes to redirecting your anxiety.
Now, let’s work backwards again. Having a hard time saying no is a behavior. But what comes before that behavior? The feeling. And before the feeling? The thought.
Why It’s Hard to Say No
Here’s an example:
Thought: I think I will disappoint my boss if I don’t come in early as asked.
Feeling: I feel like a disappointment when I can’t please my boss.
Behavior: I say YES.
Outcome (Bonus): Now I regret saying yes.
This simple chain shows how our thoughts drive feelings, which then lead to behaviors. If we start with our thoughts, we are more likely to break the cycle and confidently say no next time.
People Pleasing and the Role of Guilt
People pleasing and always saying yes often come from one powerful emotion: guilt. If you’re not ready to start working on your thoughts just yet, begin with your feelings.
Ask yourself: Is there anyone from my past or present who is known for making me feel guilty? For many, guilt patterns start in childhood, sometimes from parents, teachers, or close relationships.
The Common Patterns of Guilt
The “Good Person” Trap
You believe being helpful equals being kind.The Fear of Rejection
You worry others will stop liking or valuing you if you refuse.The Over-Responsibility Cycle
You take on tasks that aren’t really yours to fix.The Apology Reflex
Even when you say no, you quickly follow it with “I’m sorry.”
Do you recognize yourself in any of these patterns? If so, that’s a sign to start working on guilt so you can begin setting healthier boundaries.
Why Guilt Keeps You Saying Yes
You can’t make everyone happy, even when you say yes. Take a look at someone like MrBeast, the famous YouTuber. He constantly donates and gives back to communities, yet no matter what he does, people still find ways to discredit him.
This shows that pleasing everyone is impossible.
If someone rejects you for respecting your own boundaries, they shouldn’t be in your life in the first place.
Over-responsibility is one of the biggest traps. Your job is not to fix your partner’s issues, or carry every burden for friends and family. Think of it like football: if you’re the quarterback, your role is to throw the ball and sometimes run it. You’re not meant to play defense, too.
Apologizing should be reserved for moments when you’ve actually hurt someone, not just for saying no.
Guilt often comes from others projecting their own feelings onto you, sometimes without realizing it. But remember: making someone feel guilty is a form of manipulation. You don’t need to carry that weight.
Click here to read more about how to minimize overthinking in relationships.
Reshaping Your Thoughts
The truth is, thoughts are often not real or true.
You are not a failure.
You will not disappoint your boss just for saying no.
In fact, when you respect your boundaries, people are more likely to respect you in return.
As the saying goes, “You have to respect yourself in order for others to respect you.”
Many people admit, “I’ll just ask my dad for money, he always says yes.” People notice when you have a hard time saying no, and eventually it becomes uncomfortable for everyone.
Instead, replace the thought:
From: “My boss will be disappointed.”
To: “My boss will respect me if I respect my boundaries.”
If you’re struggling, take a moment to recall a time you did say no and how it turned out. You might be surprised at how well it went.
Therapist’s Orders: Fix the Guilt, Find Freedom
At the heart of saying “yes” when you really want to say “no” is guilt. That guilt usually comes from old patterns: trying to be the “good person,” fearing rejection, taking on too much responsibility, or apologizing unnecessarily.
But here’s the truth: you can’t make everyone happy, no matter how much you give. Even the most generous people in the world face criticism. What matters more is learning to respect your own boundaries. When you do, others will respect them too.
Breaking free from guilt isn’t selfish, it’s balanced. It means:
Recognizing what’s truly yours to carry.
Letting go of unnecessary responsibility.
Saving your apologies for when they’re truly needed.
Shifting your thoughts so they empower you instead of holding you back.
The next time you feel yourself saying yes out of guilt, pause. Remind yourself that “no” is not rejection, it’s self-respect. The more you practice, the easier it gets.
With time, saying no won’t feel like guilt. It will feel like freedom.
