Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Over the years, you have most likely heard a lot about boundaries. This is a concept that has grown especially quickly in popularity over the past few years due to the spread of social media. What used to be something that we could only access by speaking to professionals, namely quick access to insights in psychology, has now become something that we can access incredibly easily. There are pros and cons to this – on the one hand, seeing these posts might have helped you gain a better understanding of what boundaries are, how they can help you have a healthier relationship, or even be a better partner. On the other hand, this kind of content can make us therapize our conversations, making the conversations we have with people feel disconnected from what we actually mean, as we are, instead, focusing primarily on saying words that might mean great things, but that do not actually connect well with our partner. We end up speaking to our partner as though they are a patient, instead of our partner – and that just makes the communication very cold between the two of us.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are essential in your relationships, whether with a partner or with your friends. They are the guidelines that we use to explain to others how we wish to be treated by other people. They aren’t just about defining what’s appropriate or inappropriate (in your eyes) but they also tell you and the people you have relationships with what your values are, the needs you have, and your limits. These are incredibly important in any relationship, but especially in your romantic ones, because they are how you can have a healthy interaction dynamic with your partner. They are how you can feel safe and respected.

Your boundaries can be emotional, physical, mental, or even time-related! Emotional boundaries, for example, are all about protecting your feelings and making sure that you are respecting your limits by avoiding overextending yourself. For example, if you have a friend who constantly comes to you looking for help with their emotions but you aren’t in a place where you can help them because you are going through something yourself, you would need to put a boundary and tell that person that you aren’t capable of helping them right then and there.

Next, you have physical boundaries which are about your privacy, your personal space, and your body. You might not be a hugger, or you might not like being touched in certain places. You might not appreciate PDA, or might only be comfortable with hand-holding while in public. Setting boundaries here is important so you aren’t in uncomfortable situations, whether it’s to please your partner, or if it’s because you think this is what you are expected to do. Remember: it’s okay to have boundaries. They’re there for a good reason – to keep you feeling safe. 

Then, we also have mental or intellectual boundaries relating to what you accept in terms of values. You have more conservative values and want a partner that has those too? That’s okay. You want someone more progressive? That’s fine as well. You are allowed to have things that you believe in and things that you disagree with, and you are also allowed to choose to stick to people who respect those values. Indeed, your boundaries are there for your own self-awareness and self-respect. In your relationship, they will help you maintain your identity so you can fully be yourself without feeling the need to be someone else to be accepted. If you feel like your partner isn’t respecting or accepting you for who you are, boundaries are there to help you realize that you are not the problem, but that you might just not be compatible.

Boundaries Shouldn’t Be “Shoulds” and “Musts”

Boundaries is a concept that has been gaining a lot of traction, and for good reasons. Unfortunately, many people go through life completely without boundaries, simply focusing on ensuring that their partners, friends, family members, and everyone else around them except for themselves, are always happy. As you can imagine, it’s a pretty exhausting situation to be in. On the one hand, you want to keep everyone around you happy at all times, but on the other hand, you aren’t being catered for. You don’t feel like people care as much about how you feel as you do for others. It might start feeling rather one-sided, like you aren’t really getting the attention you need, all while giving 110% of your energy to everyone around you. And then, when it comes to you – you’re left annoyed and disappointed that others aren’t doing what they should be doing.

Perhaps you picked up on the last sentence, or more specifically, a word in that last sentence that we discussed in the previous section. Take a minute to guess what it is. Got it? That’s right, the shoulds. Unfortunately, in relationships, boundaries can become mixed up with the shoulds and the musts that we set for ourselves and for others. It can become pretty exhausting pretty quickly. For example, you may set up a rule for yourself and apply it to others, and when they do not respect that rule – which is a rule that you have set for yourself or others – they disappoint you, and you feel disrespected. This is a cognitive dysfunction, but it is also something that many people with an anxious attachment style have. Why? Because it gives them a feeling of control. It makes them feel like they are in control of the situation, or like they can control what they do, how others act, and the like. It gives them – and perhaps you – the feeling that they have a list of rules to abide by to offset the chaos that they tend to have grown up in.

In other words, take a statement like the following: if I make sure to always be there for my friends because that's what friends do, then my friends should do this for me too. If they don’t do so, they’re not good friends. What’s the problem with that statement? There are a few. First, the person is assuming that they must always be there for their friends, no matter what. Then, subconsciously or consciously, they apply that rule to others too, creating a ‘should’ statement that others have to abide by, otherwise, they are at risk of disappointing you. This is a big load to carry for friends and partners alike, because they may feel like they constantly need to be on their best behavior to remain friends with you, or more specifically to avoid upsetting you.

Now, you may think that some of your ‘shoulds’ are just boundaries, but this isn’t necessarily the case for every situation. Some ‘shoulds’ are good – your partner should communicate well with you, you should be respectful towards your friends by using polite language, etc. However, other ‘shoulds’ are not good and may come across as being controlling or even manipulative, such as the examples given above– expecting that others will act like you because you give yourself that rule. The rule you give yourself does not need to be the same for everyone. In fact, this rule is simply one that you have given yourself, and unless it is something that you feel strongly about, it does not mean that it has to be abided by other people.

✍️ Boundaries Are a Two-Way Street

I often see people talking about boundaries as though they are something that only come from one person and need to be respected by others. Of course, they are there for you to feel good about yourself and to feel respected by your partner, but this doesn’t mean that they must be respected. Instead, your boundaries are there for you to spot which kind of behaviors you accept, and which ones you do not accept, showing you whether the person you are with is someone who aligns with those boundaries. If someone refuses to respect them, or if someone constantly feels the need to bypass your boundaries, it might be time to consider whether you are a good match. We all have different boundaries depending on the things that we care a lot about. Some of us will care more about punctuality, while others will care more about showing a lot of interest in others, while other people’s boundaries will be around physical touch (we all have that one friend who is not a big hugger!). These boundaries, especially in relationships, help you set up your expectations and share these with your partners to ensure that you feel safe and cared for, and to ensure that your partner knows what’s expected of them. 

Therefore, boundaries are a two-way street. You can make your boundaries clear with your partner, but that does not mean that they must abide by them. If they don’t, that’s when you need to think about whether the relationship is working, or whether you aren’t a match. In fact, they are there for you and your partner to avoid being emotionally burned out. Instead of feeling like you need to constantly do what’s needed to keep your partner happy, or instead of feeling as though you are always responsible for keeping the peace, you can share your boundaries with one another so you know from the get-go what to avoid doing, and what they prefer.

As you can imagine, this is especially helpful in regards to overthinking. Wouldn’t you prefer knowing how to act and what to avoid doing to ensure that your partner feels safe and respected, instead of having to take guesses? Indeed, it’s more comforting to know that some behaviors are acceptable, and to be reassured that your partner knows what you need to feel good in your relationship, than to constantly be doing your best to keep them happy by following your ‘shoulds’ and assuming that they apply to them too. Speak to your partner about what they think their boundaries might be, and share this moment together. How can you make sure that you will do what you can to keep each other happy and feeling safe? Having these boundaries will help you feel like your needs and desires are being fulfilled, instead of ignored or even overridden.

🧠  But It’s Hard to Set Them!

I cannot tell you the number of times that I have had people in my office tell me that as hard as they tried to set boundaries, they just couldn’t do it. It’s understandable, especially for a person with an anxious attachment style: setting boundaries might feel as though you are setting your relationship on fire because you feel like your partner is going to leave you if you show the slightest sign of being unhappy. With anxiety, and especially when you are overthinking, you may feel like if you set a boundary, you are effectively telling your partner that that’s it, it doesn’t work. Let me paint a clearer picture for you.

Meet Gina, a 27-year old woman who has a history of being in bad relationships. Gina grew up in a household that was rather toxic. Her mother, a narcissist (as Gina would find out later in her mid-twenties), had a habit of constantly telling Gina off for whatever she would do. Gina was good at basketball? Her mother would ridicule her when she came home in her jersey. Gina liked to sing? Her mother would avoid giving her compliments, telling her “well, I guess you sing better than the singers of that song, but that’s about it” when Gina showed her all the hard work she had been putting in when perfecting her rendition of the classic High School Musical “Breaking Free.” As a kid, Gina didn’t think much of it – she just did things a certain way to try and make her mother proud of her. She would accept the half compliments because they were better than the flat-out insults she would get. 

Gina’s mom was also obsessed with her weight, and decided to transfer that onto her child from a young age. Sometimes putting Gina on the scale as early as when she turned six, she would tell her, You’d be so much prettier if you lost a bit of weight here and there. Gina didn’t get it – she ran with her friends all the time, she had friends, she sang, she played basketball, and she was a star student, so what else could she do to make her mother happy?

Gina spent most of her childhood figuring out ways to keep her mother happy. When making jokes wasn’t acceptable, she would stay quiet. When being quiet didn’t work, she tried to take as little space as possible. When that didn’t work either, she would just accept that her mother was in a bad mood that day, and would take whatever her mom would throw at her – words and more. As a result, she became an expert at responding to her mother’s cues, never knowing what mood she would be in that day. She would try to read the room, and try to avoid doing things that would trigger her, sometimes successfully, but rarely so. It was unpredictable and of course, chaotic.

So, as Gina grew up and started dating, she began to replicate what she had seen her entire life and the relationship types she had had as a model: chaotic and unpredictable. Whenever someone would love-bomb her, giving her a lot of attention and showering her with appreciation, even if she knew that it was too soon and that the person was acting as though they had been dating for months, she loved in. It brought her back to her younger self, when her mother was in a great mood. That’s when things were going so well – her mother was happy, and so was the rest of the family. And then, the cycle would repeat itself – she would be unhappy, mean, and cruel. But Gina knew that one day, the happy mother she knew would be back and would be nice to her, as long as she played nice and avoided triggering her. 

So, Gina did the same in those relationships. Setting a boundary was considered close to impossible, because if she had dared telling her mother to stop doing something, she would stomp heavily, run away, scream, or else. Gina had learned that healthy conflict wasn’t possible – it would always end up with the person leaving the room or lashing out. At times, Gina’s mom would hang up on her, telling her that she never wants to see her again. So, Gina took this into her relationships as well, assuming that if she dared to speak up and tell her partners that she would like them to change something, they too would yell at her and run away, leaving her abandoned, once again.

Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is not rare – far from it. This is something I see in my office more than any therapist wishes they had to. The way you were raised and whether you had the space to express your feelings and needs impacts whether you are capable of speaking out about your needs and wishes, and especially impacts how you view conflict. If sharing a boundary has always been associated with the other person losing it entirely or abandoning you, it’s only natural that you will continue to have these thoughts in your relationships. However, learning that this is not the case is a step in the right direction. 

If you struggle to set boundaries, remind yourself that these are normal, and needed, for any relationship to work. Tell yourself that you are deserving of respect. Tell yourself that you can express your thoughts and feelings, and that the right person will listen to you and will care. If you have a toxic partner, this lack of boundaries is something they appreciate, because it means that they can manipulate you into doing anything they want you to do. This is why boundaries are so important: they tell the person that there are things that you simply don’t accept.

In a healthy relationship, your partner will be attentive. If you struggle to share these boundaries for reasons similar to Gina, take a minute to explain this to your partner. Tell them about how you feel and why you feel this way. Tell them that this is very difficult for you, and if you trust them, explain to them how you think this is going to go. Explaining this to a partner and making them understand why it is so difficult for you to speak up when something isn’t working the way you want it to can help them get a better sense of how they can help you feel better and more respected. It can help them understand how they can be a good partner in this, and can show them that you might need to be reminded that they support you in this.

Your partner will also have boundaries, and chances are that they have already communicated a few of these with you. Try to think about these and see how you responded. Did you run away? Did you abandon them? Unless they crossed your boundaries, chances are that no, you didn’t. That’s because you are ready to adapt your ways of being and acting to ensure that the person in front of you feels safe. So, is it really all that hard to imagine that someone else could do this for you as well?

💬 Setting Boundaries: The How-To to Get Started

Boundaries start with an I. They need to be representative of how you are feeling, and what you need, which means that you should focus on what you are thinking, instead of making it about the other person. For example, a boundary may be “I appreciate when my friends show up on time. I understand that some delays may happen, but I don’t feel respected when I have to wait alone at a reserved table for thirty minutes because of a person’s lack of punctuality.” This boundary is based on your need and how another person’s actions make you feel, instead of being about them changing their behavior. You are effectively highlighting a behavior that you do not appreciate and are showing what you would prefer instead. Now, if they want to abide by this or not is entirely their decision, and it is not something that you can change. All you can do is share how something makes you feel and hope that the person will understand this and do what they can to respect it.

Likewise, boundaries need to be made very clear. There is no place for a lack of clarity in boundary-setting, because the people you are sharing your boundaries with need to be clear about what you expect from them and why if you want them to be able to give you the kind of treatment you like. Otherwise, it just makes things confusing for others!

If your boundaries aren’t respected or are being pushed back against, you have a few options. First, you need to stay calm – getting worked up or angry will bring in too much emotion, which can make it hard for you to stay clear on the why behind those boundaries. Likewise, you can (and potentially should) reassert your boundaries in case the person did not hear you correctly or did not understand exactly what you meant. Then, if none of this works, you have a choice to make: will you continue having this person in your life, or is this a deal breaker? Can you accept that they might not respect your boundaries, or is this something that you are refusing to deal with? There are different levels here. For example, you might accept that your friend might show up late a couple of times just because that’s not something they are willing to work on. However, if you say a boundary about, for example, being spoken to respectfully by your partner, and they refuse to respect it and continue calling you names when you fight, or purposely call you names to upset you, this is not a boundary that is acceptable to cross as it reaches your self-esteem and value. 

Consistency is also key with your boundaries. Your partner will expect consistency as otherwise, they may get confused, or may feel like they do not know what to do or how to act. If you feel like their behavior is unacceptable sometimes, but other times you laugh about it, try to pinpoint where the difference lies. Are there some jokes that feel disrespectful? If so, what about them is disrespectful, and what is the difference between this joke and the ones that you do find funny?

📌 Your Partner Will Also Have Boundaries

Setting boundaries yourself is hard, but hearing others’ boundaries can be just as hard. Take Gina, for example. For her, hearing her mother constantly telling her off made things confusing. What was okay one day would trigger a complete meltdown the next. Being told that her behavior was unacceptable wasn’t just associated with her behavior, but with her specifically. She wasn’t just doing something wrong, she was the wrong denominator in the situation. Therefore, she began to assume that being critiqued, being told that she is in the wrong, or being told that her behavior was unacceptable, always meant that she was disappointing, that she was wrong, and that she was the problem – not her behavior. As a result, whenever someone would tell her that she had done something slightly past the line of acceptable, she would take it personally and felt like it was a direct attack to her self-esteem and value as a human being. Can you guess how this went in the future, especially in relationships? 

If you grew up in a similar environment, namely one in which you were constantly in the wrong, where you had to gauge the other person’s reaction, and where you had to guess whether they would lash out or tell you something nicely, chances are that being told about someone’s boundary can be equally triggering. You may feel like they are telling you that you have done something wrong, and therefore that you, as a person, aren’t a good person or are failing to be a good person. You might feel anxious that this is the end of your relationship as in the past, being told that you had done something wrong ended with you being left on your own or abandoned by your parent while they lashed out.

In those moments, remind yourself that this is part of life. It’s part of a relationship to have a partner tell us that they would like us to do something slightly different. Boundaries don’t have to be said explicitly either! For example, your partner might kindly ask that you don’t leave wet towels on the floor and that you, instead, put them in the hamper – it’s a simple boundary, but nothing mean is meant by it. Likewise, you might want to try to pick up non-verbal cues as well that can show you that your partner has a specific boundary, like if they seem uncomfortable when you try to kiss them in public, or if they seem uncomfortable when you make jokes about their activity levels. 

✅  Therapist Orders:

The key is to keep the conversation open and flowing. Have an open discussion with your partner and speak about your boundaries. Share how you feel about certain things and others. Be kind to each other, and remember that the goal is to have a relationship in which you both feel respected and cared for. This is a way for you two to express how certain actions or words make you feel, and to be on the same page. As always, communication is at the foundation of your trust!