The Real Reason Why Your Child Won’t Talk To You
The Hidden Strain of Family Estrangement
We are raised and taught that family is the bedrock of our emotional lives; a source of love, support, and belonging. But for most people, family relationships are not a source of comfort but a source of stress, pain, and even trauma. If you’re dealing with this and this is why you clicked on my article, I can assure you that this happens more than we think. There’s a huge stigma behind this, and that’s why you won’t hear people talking about it much. As a therapist, I have worked with many patients navigating the complexities of estrangement, and one thing is clear to me: this is not a simple matter of “cutting ties” or “falling out.” In my opinion, this is a profound emotional journey that can affect our identity, mental health, and overall well-being.
Estrangement can provoke a complex mix of feelings:
Grief for the loss of connection
Guilt for choosing boundaries
Shame in the face of societal expectations
Sometimes, relief for stepping away from harmful dynamics
I am going to go over the nuances of family estrangement, its psychological impact, the societal pressures surrounding it, and most importantly, the therapeutic strategies that support healing and emotional resilience.
This blog will help you understand why your adult child will not talk to you, and for you, the young child, this article will help you understand healing yourself.
It’s early November here in Jacksonville, Florida, and the holidays are coming up, so it’s going to be hard and difficult for most people being around family. I hope this helps!
What is Family Estrangement?
Family estrangement is the physical, emotional, or psychological distance between family members, often resulting in limited or no contact. This can go two ways, and here’s what I mean: For some people, it can occur voluntarily, such as when a person chooses to distance themselves for safety or well-being, and for others, it can be involuntarily, such as when a loved one refuses contact. Now, in my office, I have seen estrangement become temporary (usually lasting from months to years) and, most times, permanent (usually spanning decades and sometimes forever).
One thing I want to clarify is that I am convinced people have valid reasons why they distance themselves. It depends on why you’re reading this, but if you’re the adult, then there is a valid reason why your adult child does not want anything to do with you. And if you’re that hurt child, then it’s okay how you feel. Don’t let anyone convince you that “it’s your mom” or “it’s your dad.” A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship.
Anyway, the real reasons behind estrangement are usually complex. Let’s think of this as a pie chart. Conflict tends to be the leading cause at 40%. Trauma takes up about 30%. Differences are a big one, but I am giving it 20%, and most importantly, boundaries come at 10%. Let’s go over each one!
Conflict: Issues between family members can come from personality differences, unresolved disputes, and recurring patterns of harm.
Trauma: Trauma can come in many different forms: emotional abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse.
Differences: Not everyone is the same, and that’s okay! Differences in values, beliefs, or lifestyles can create tension that becomes difficult or impossible to reconcile.
Boundaries: One thing I learned being a therapist is that not many people have boundaries, and most times people don’t know how to set them or they are scared to set them! Boundaries require creating distance from family members who consistently violate emotional or physical safety. A NO is a NO.
One thing is for sure, and that’s just because you’re a “parent” doesn’t mean you know how to be a parent. I understand that being a parent doesn’t come with manual instructions (even though 99% of the time we don’t read them anyway).
One thing is for sure, and that’s just because you’re a “parent” doesn’t mean you know how to be a parent. I understand that being a parent doesn’t come with manual instructions (even though 99% of the time we don’t read them anyways), but it’s okay to listen to your child.
It is important to recognize that estrangement is rarely black and white. There is no universal formula for when to distance oneself or maintain contact. Each situation is unique, and the decision to estrange is deeply personal, often complicated by guilt, fear, and conflicting loyalties.
The Emotional and Psychological Effects
Estrangement can trigger a wide range of emotional responses. The most common I see in therapy is grief. Think of it as grieving the family relationships we wish had existed. This grief usually feels complicated, with a bunch of ups and downs. Some describe it as a sense of relief, like, “Thankfully, I don’t have to feel guilty for not having a relationship with them now that they are gone.” People who come to therapy feel liberation from a toxic or damaging dynamic.
I keep using the word “toxic,” so let me explain what that actually means. A toxic relationship is one that is emotionally, psychologically, or physically damaging to one or both people involved due to a pattern of harmful behaviors like control, manipulation, and disrespect. These dynamics can lead to feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, stress, and anxiety, and they can occur in any type of relationship, including romantic, familial, or platonic.
Guilt is a companion of estrangement. Do you feel like you have to keep your family together and it’s becoming very difficult? Many people fear judgment from others! This guilt will manifest as self-criticism, perfectionism, or overthinking past issues and problems. With how society is, it can reinforce these feelings and often frame estrangement as failure or abandonment rather than a protective or healthy choice.
Anxiety, depression, and identity struggles are common! Estrangement can make someone question their self-worth and feel uncertain about their place in the world. If you’re already struggling with a mental health condition, estrangement can exacerbate those issues and make them twice as bad.
I will always express my concerns that estrangement can provoke ambivalent feelings. Relief and liberation may coexist with sadness and longing.
Societal Pressure and Stigma
This is a huge challenge in estrangement! “But people will think that I am a bad person because I don’t want to talk to my mom!” Many cultures emphasize unconditional loyalty, forgiveness, and closeness. When you have these expectations, it tends to intensify feelings of guilt or shame.
Guilt occurs when your behavior does not match your values. Here’s what I mean: if it’s important for you to be a family person, then it can make you feel guilty about cutting ties with your family.
Friends, extended family, and even well-meaning professionals may urge reconciliation, often without understanding the harm or trauma involved. This external pressure can invalidate the estranged individual’s experience, leading to isolation, self-doubt, or second-guessing the decision to establish boundaries.
As a therapist, I often help my patients navigate societal expectations while recognizing their values. Like I mentioned in the beginning, a toxic relationship is a toxic relationship.
We don’t talk about this as often because we fear judgment, guilt, or social pressure. You have to put yourself first, and that’s okay!
Coping Skills and Challenges
I have noticed that people cope with estrangement in different ways, and not all coping skills are equally adaptive or easy. Common ways people handle this include withdrawal, seeking validation in other relationships (usually with partners), and attempting to overcompensate for perceived “failures” within the family unit.
Some of my patients internalize blame; they tend to believe that they are responsible for the fractured relationships because either society or their parent makes them feel this way. “How dare you not have a relationship with your mother?” I keep talking toward mothers because most of my patients struggle with their mothers! I do want to validate that fathers can be an issue as well.
Some people suppress emotions by avoiding reflection on grief or anger in an attempt to “move on” faster. These coping skills can lead to recurring cycles of distress in other areas of life, such as romantic relationships and friendships.
Therapy and Support
Therapy is great to help with this! Therapy actually works, and if you find the right person to help you, then you’re going to succeed with this. My first goal I create in therapy is validation, acknowledging the legitimacy of emotions associated with estrangement, including grief, anger, relief, and guilt. Validating my patients’ emotions can be transformative because I want them not to feel crazy for feeling this way.
Another thing we discuss in therapy is boundary setting. People that come to me struggle to maintain and set emotional boundaries (and physical boundaries). Most of us can feel like we have to reconcile because society makes us feel guilty if we don’t. I provide a safe space to explore these boundaries and help people understand their importance. Your therapist can do this too!
Grief work is also central to therapy for estrangement. Although the family may still be present in the world, clients experience the loss of the relationship they hoped would exist. Processing this grief involves acknowledging both the pain of loss and the potential for growth and healing.
Lastly, it’s not just about grounding yourself! Counting backward or even breathing (even though it can help). Learning how to change the way you think helps a lot! Some people tend to say, “My mom did not have all the tools to help me.” Finding different ways to think about what you’re going through will help. And for the parent who is reading this, think of this: “Maybe I should hear my child out and see how I can accept their feelings, even though it’s against me.”
Therapy will help you build a toolbox of different tools for self-compassion and resilience.
Steps Toward Healing
Healing is a gradual and nonlinear process. One thing I will acknowledge is that you can’t heal forever either, so it’s okay to start now! Here are a few steps I recommend:
Acceptance of Emotions: Allowing oneself to feel grief, anger, or relief without judgment is foundational. Suppressing these emotions can impede healing.
Building Support Networks: Strengthening relationships with friends, mentors, chosen family, or supportive communities can mitigate feelings of isolation and provide meaningful connection.
Mindfulness and Self-Reflection: Practices that cultivate present-moment awareness, self-compassion, and clarity can help individuals navigate complex emotions and reduce rumination.
Intentional Decisions About Contact: Deciding whether to maintain, limit, or cease contact with family members should be guided by safety, emotional well-being, and personal values rather than societal pressure.
Therapeutic Engagement: Ongoing therapy or support groups provide professional guidance, a safe space for processing, and strategies for managing guilt, anxiety, and grief.
Therapist Orders
If you made it this far, then I would love to hear about your experience and feedback. Family estrangement is very challenging, but it can be a great act of self-preservation and boundary setting. For most people, it can become a step toward healing. As a therapist, I have seen how estrangement can lead to emotional growth, increased self-awareness, and improved mental health. Three things to focus on:
Find a therapist and get the process started!
A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship!
It’s okay how you feel!), but it’s okay to listen to your child.
It is important to recognize that estrangement is rarely black and white. There is no universal formula for when to distance oneself or maintain contact. Each situation is unique, and the decision to estrange is deeply personal, often complicated by guilt, fear, and conflicting loyalties.
Books I Wrote:
If you enjoyed my article, click on the name below for a few books I wrote that can help you!
